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Feb. 16th, 2009

Wow fuck all that fasting shit I put down before. If I fast I know I'll go for another binge. There is no quick fix.

I'm going to undertake some meditation and self hypnosis/ self help therapy to try to cleanse my mind.

Spirituality

I now want to go out in the real world again, retie some connections i severed when I went trhough that breakdown a while ago.
But I feel so UNCLEAN
So I want to get better. plan of action?

My problems are both physical and mental.
Physically what I associate as a problem or what I am anxious about.
My skin. It is so fucked. Im going to have to stop purging and eating astronomical amounts of sugar and fat and shit.
The fat all over. problem areas are arms, thighs, ass, gut, face, legs, everywhere. I shall fast or restrict?
My room is so dirty. The house looks like shit. No fault of my own really about the house, it is seriously the house mates shit thats all over the place. My room I wil have to wash the sheets wash the dirty clothes sort through all my drawers. Just cleanse my environment.
Financially. I shall not buy anything unless I haave slept on it. I will go to tafe tomorrow or call up and arrange some councilling or something.
I just have no energy. Ill have to start exercising again, to get my metabolism up.

Mentally.
I am anxious about what I look like. I will have to fix the physicals.
I need to read those goddam books i borrowed. I feel i am so behind in my pagan studies its not funny, and everyone will laugh at me when I dont know what to talk about when I meet with my coven. Studying for years doesnt prepare you for shit.
I need to meditate so much more.
I need to set up a barrier around the house, in my room.
I need to see if my spirit totem is still an elephant. And if my spirit animal realy is a fox. that means fasting and meditating.

OK SO PLAN FOR THE NEXT 2-3 WEEKS.
total makeover and cleansing of mind body and spirit. Once I have finished I can go out again and make some friends. I can show my face in public.

I will fast starting 600pm today. Or restrict and only consume gum, coffee, tea for the first 4 days. after that i go juices, watered down V8 juice for another day and a half and then for a week more go on a veggie vegan diet.
I will meditate every night for an hour, and read for atleast 2 hours a day.
I have been awake for about an hour.
I had a semi normal meal last night with dessert. did not purge.
woke up this morning MADWOMAN!
i have had a 300gram block of chocolate, 3 cups of mousse, like 2 bowls of porridge, im making 3 egss tomato and some toast and im having as many coffees to lubricate. this is mental!!

Writer's Block: Been There, Done That

i always wanted to relive the time when i was in such a good school, and any other time before my dad met that bitch anna.
ha ever realise many of these good days posted where just before poo hit the fan? i suppose it just complements the corny saying "dont know what youve got til its gone..." or something. whatever. :D

food for thought

i have consumed 1 kg of oven chips, 1 litre of lite milk with 2 tablespoons of sugar and 1 tablespoon of cocoa, like half a cup of tomato sauce, all it today this afternoon. i feel so ill and normally i would throw up til my face is bloated, my eyes ache, and veins resurface above my eyelids. but not this time.
i have created this journal to help me.           no more crying no more lying

i am going to embrace who i want to be.
i am who i will become. this me of now is only a passing phase.

today tonight

the start of my new life. the beginning. the absolute

i hate the outside world. i hate how it involves itself, forcing its way so painfully, so forcefully. Its comparable to rape.
Rape, as I can still remember even after so many years still makes me ashamed, embarrassed, disgusted with myself.

WITHOUT THIS WORLD interfering I would NOT have my insecurities i have now. its a vicous circle. its also like a rubber band, you run away from it screaming. tearing at your hair and face, getting so far away losing all the weight trying to get where you want to be, AWAY from the fat from that disgust from that invasive perversive mindgame. Trying to be free, feeling the breath of it brush on your fingertips. then EXACTLY like a rubber band you are snatched from the world you sacrificed so much for and slung back with more velocity the further you got away. Your not aware of the sensation, until you hit the brick wall so hard. its not a brick wall its a mirror. or a photograph or memory of what you once where. you feel like an overly large disgusting shadow of the person you could have become.
the thing about this cycle is every time you experience the slingshot the more serious you become and the more severe you are. It will kill you in the end.

FUNNY THING IS you knew it would because normal people dont just not eat. i wonder what its like to be normal, to have a glass of milk. without drinking the whole 3 litres then eating something you know you can throw up. or watching tv, a commercial comes on. its something from kfc. you wonder why you feel ill looking at the chicken. or walking through the food court at the plaza the smells are so alien and you have no idea when the last time you ate a full meal was, let alone a fucking doughnut. you cant imagine going out with family or friends for meals without contemplating where you can throw up and how many glasses of liquid you can consume to aid the purging.